dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
