Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
