Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
