Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
