Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
