I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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