Four minutes until I can fart!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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