In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
