so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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