I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize