hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
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I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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