Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
