You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
