Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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