I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
