i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
