I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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