Already got asked if we're dating
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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