So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
