Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
