Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
