I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!