i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
