feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
