Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
