I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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