sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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