We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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