Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
