bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
