Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
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Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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