I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
