So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
