Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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