you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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