The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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