How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
