I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
