His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
