The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
