apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
