Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
