I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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