It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
