we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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