well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
