for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
