you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
