Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
