You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I stole a fireplace last night.
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He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.