upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
