I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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