As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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