Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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