I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
