WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
