I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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