Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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