Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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