If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
