I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
