I'm going to jail i love you
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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