if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
