i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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