I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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