I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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