piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
